Pushing

I just read over this post and realized that the tone could be taken as very sad when in actually I am writing this very matter-of-factly with a hint of self deprecation. I'm not sad. I am feeling very optimistic.

The process of applying to grad school has been really intense and stressful. But it's totally in my head. I am proud to say though that I have continued to push forward and am close to being finished with the application process. This past Saturday I completed a big step that I have been fretting for quite some time. Taking the GRE was quite the experience. There were a couple times during the test where I could feel myself starting to lose it a little. I think a lot of it is that they didnt let me take my chapstick in with me. I was going craaaaaazy. It really wasnt the chapstick. I was genuinely panicking. I survived though. As for my performance on the test, not great. I was really pretty upset about the thing and cried in my mother's arms (cut me some slack, I'm only 29). No but I'm being serious. I cried. And said dammit. "Just take it again, Code!" you may say. To which I reply, "No thanks." The next time I could even take it would be after the application deadlines for the schools I'm applying to. I'm totally ok with it though. I'm going to apply with the scores I have and see what happens. That is really my only choice.

There are some new developments in the programs I am applying to. I am still applying to Clinical Psych programs, but I have added to my application list two Masters of Social Work programs. "Ewwwwwww, Social Work?!" "Good luck affording food and toilet paper and clothes and hair product (essentials)." A Masters of Social Work is actually a very legit path to where I want to get. It would allow me to be a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. As a LCSW I can still open a private practice and work as a therapist. The reason I am entertaining this idea is that it would cost me A LOT LESS MONEY. Once I am a LCSW I can work while doing my doctorate if I so desire which would further decrease future student debt. Plus, doing a masters will allow me to dominate grade wise which will allow me to apply to better schools for my doctoral degree (my BYU grades were fairly mediocre [3.17 gpa]). The two MSW programs I am applying to are Utah State (womp womp I hate Logan) and Arizona State. I would LOVE to go to ASU. A) warm weather, B)I can still get in state tuition as a Utah resident and C) warm weather. Not to mention the fact that their MSW program is awesome. They have a direct practice emphasis which is exactly what I want and just looking at the list of required classes got me all giddy. I am really hoping to get in to that program. If I do, I would give it priority over any Clinical Psych doctoral program I get into. One more benefit of the MSW: if I decide to just stick with that degree and not go the complete doctoral route, I would only be in school for two years. Pretty nice. However, at this point I am pretty committed with going all the way and getting my doctoral degree.

Another part of the application process that had me super stressed was getting letters of recommendation. I had no intention of continuing with psychology so I never took the time to cultivate relationships with my psych professors. I knew I could count on one professor and when I contacted him he replied that he was more than willing. For the other two I had to get pretty creative. Whether they will work or not, I don't know. We will certainly find out. One I requested from a past bishop I had. I was his executive secretary and we worked very closely together. When I talked to him he said he would approach the letter from more of a professional working relationship which is great. A letter from a bishop talking about the strength of my testimony would do me no good. I am grateful he saw exactly how to approach the letter. Next, I have a letter coming from the teacher in charge of the class I volunteered in at the Utah State Hospital children's unit. When I went in to the class to ask her, she was so happy to see me. She gave me a hug and was so kind. I told her what my plans were and she was thrilled to write me a letter.

I feel like things are falling in place for me. Not only has this been progress made, but it has pushed me to do things that have made me uncomfortable which is also progress.

PS watch this video. It's mind blowing. I wonder what her degrees are in. Oh, yeah. Social work.